I have been sharing my testimony over the past two years. As I have brought up the many aspects of my journey: addiction, emotional abuse, loss of a child, divorce and other ills, sins, and misfortunes, the Lord keeps reminding me of more. I come now to my experience with abortion. I want to speak to those who struggle with this issue and the effects it has had on your lives. I want you to know, up front, God loves you and will make this a transforming pivotal point in your life. Just believe.
I had an abortion many years ago as a young woman. I had not surrendered my life to Jesus at the time and so was subject to the world and the people in it, including my dependence on what others thought of me and my ease in doing what they wanted me to do. I already had my baby girl, Kimberly, who was conceived in my last year of High School. Kimberly fell ill when she was eight years old, more on that later. At the time, Kim was about six, I had been living with my boyfriend (not Kim’s father) and during that time I got pregnant. We both agreed we were not ready to have children. We both agreed on an abortion. It was a troubled relationship from the start but even so, out of the duress of Kim’s illness which came later in our relationship, I agreed to marry then my first husband, and we were married for seven years before ending in divorce.
Even though the abortion was not what I wanted to do, I decided to go through with it. I did not feel at all comfortable from the outset, but most of the decisions I made back then were based purely on emotions and circumstances. I did not consult with people nor did I pray about the matter. I did not trust anyone. I was on my own, or so I thought at the time.
As I made my decision and went to the clinic to have it done, I realized just how alone I was. It was scary. Someone talked to me beforehand and asked if I was sure but I hardly remember the conversation, much like a fog. There was regret going in, there was regret going through it, and there was regret afterwards. It was a horrible experience. For me, I struggled through the immediate after effects. The shame and guilt was intense but then it was tucked away. I know now it did not go away. It laid dormant to rise another day. Again and again it came up in my mind and pained my heart but I kept tucking it away, as I did most of the pain in my life at that time. I carried on as I sank deeper into denial, addiction and self absorption.
My daughter Kimberly died in 1982. She was eight years old when she contracted cardiomyopothy which is a virus that gets inside the heart muscle and causes it to deteriorate. There is no cure. Kim was sick for a year before she became eligible for a heart transplant. She was one of the youngest to go through the surgery. During the few years of her illness, I had such a spiritual renewal with God. I got to know Him and His Word. I experienced His presence in miraculous ways. I stopped drinking and I got closer to the Lord than I had ever been but my heart was not healed of all the mess that filled it. Soon after her transplant I returned to alcohol and drugs in fear of what might yet happen to her. I could not face it. My fears came true as Kim died six months after receiving her new heart. That was the beginning of my rapid spiral downward.
I finally hit rock bottom but I landed on the solid rock which is Christ Himself. That may sound cliche but it is so true. When Kim died, I thought God was angry with me. I thought He was punishing me for all the wrong I had done in my life. I also knew that I would not survive if God did not save me, from myself. I knew I could not go on with all that had been built up inside me and I didn’t want the fake pain relief that alcohol and drugs gave me. It was sure to destroy me, I knew it. I remember distinctly God told me to choose: life or death. I chose life and I have been choosing life ever since. When I laid down my life and asked Him to take over, He took me through the repenting process which comes before healing. Through all of the many layers, I was once again reminded of the abortion. I fell on my face in repentance before God and He forgave me (1 John 1:9).
This area of love and life was one of the first matters of concern in my healing. The life that was taken, as only a matter of inconvenience, was one that had crushed me internally, and I hadn’t even realized it. I value life more than I ever knew. I think of my own child, Kimberly, whose life was cut short at nine years old and how she spoke of her dismay at ‘not being able to grow up.’ How devastating the responsibility of not letting a child grow up. It hit me hard. When Kim died I even thought this was partly my punishment for the abortion. The Lord showed me, this is not so. God loves the unborn and the life of all children born into this world; and that includes me. He wants me to repent. He died to rescue me from the law of sin and death. I have the Law of the Spirit of Life working in me now; the healing life, the restoring life of God (Romans 8:2). When I fell on my face and repented before God, I say again, God forgave me and I am so grateful.
As He peeled back the layers of sin in my life and all I needed to overcome, the light shone on the darkness that was within me. Each layer took away another dark spot until I was filled with light instead of darkness. I was transformed. I saw more clearly the absolute beauty of life. It is so hard to explain in words but everything had changed so much that even the smallest of life was accentuated and magnified and I gained such a love for all of God’s creation from the smallest creature to the most dearly loved human beings (which was for me, the hardest to love). I realized how much God loved me and His love permeated my life. It was like a fog had been lifted or a veil had been removed. I love life so much but it isn’t a weird, obsessive, or intrusive kind of love. It is totally and utterly wonderful and natural. God touched my spirit and gave me new life. I am not the same person I was; I am totally new (2 Corinthians 5:17).
This transformation took me to the depths of the lives of sick and dying people; to a labor of love. As a hospital chaplain for 14 years, I stood with people struggling to make it through grief, loss, and hurt. I helped them see their lives as meaningful and valuable no matter what they had been through or what they were going through. They saw my life and realized, they could make it, too. I stood with many facing death and dying with family and friends surrounding loved ones, amends being made, forgiving and blessing even in the most dysfunctional of families. That has been my life’s work and it has been a fantastic journey. I continue on, a Freedom Fighter, as the great Dr. Tony Evans puts it https://youtu.be/Tp01JVguvZ8. If the Lord has so generously freed me by His own body and blood, I then must go out and help others to be free. It is my god-given responsibility which I welcome with open arms. The truth will always set us free. Speak and live truth!
The blessing doesn’t stop there. God has given me not just double but quadruple for my trouble. At this writing, I have a strong marriage of 31 years to Carl Sr., with two beautiful grown children Jessica and Carl Jr. and their precious mates Dominique and Brittany. We have joined faith filled families together in great love for each other and love of the Lord. I also have two adorable grandchildren Shia Stefon and Zahra Grace. Look at how the Lord has blessed me! I am so grateful words cannot express. I often think, where would my life be if God had not intervened? My life is not perfect but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ has taken hold of me (Philippians 3:12). I’m running the race, and I win!
This is where I have to reach out to those who are suffering through the effects of abortion or anything else that is robbing your peace, but specifically today, abortion. The enemy wants to keep you down, don’t let him. I don’t know who may be reading this but you may have had an abortion or know someone who has had an abortion. You may be a male or a parent or a friend that helped pay for an abortion. You may be a person that has had some part in an abortion and are wrestling with the hurt and sorrow that it has brought to your life or the life of others. Whoever you are, I want to speak to you that the restoring grace of God is bigger than any problem you face. There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). His love takes away all shame and guilt (Isaiah 54:4). First, if you do not know Jesus, let me encourage you to receive Him today for the forgiveness of your sins and for the new life He has waiting for you:
Pray this prayer with me:
Lord God I need your amazing Grace. I am so sorry for my sins and I am ready to give it all up to you. Please forgive me for my sins and the wrong I have done. I repent of my sins and ask that you help me to turn totally to you. Help me to renew my mind in your Word. Help me to believe your Word and live it. Please come into my life and be the Lord and Savior of my life. I believe you died for my sins and rose from the grave with all power in your Hands. You sit on your throne in Heaven and you send your Holy Spirit of truth to live in me and lead me through this life. Thank you Jesus for saving me. Amen (Romans 10:9, Ephesians 1:13)
If you know the Lord and have been suffering through grief and loss and have had an abortion or participated in one for which you want forgiveness and peace:
Please pray this prayer with me:
Lord Jesus, I need you and your amazing Grace. I have not had peace in my mind and heart because of my participation in an abortion. I ask your forgiveness Lord as I repent wholeheartedly for what I have done. I realize I have taken a life that you have created. I believe that when I confess my sin, Lord, you are faithful and just to forgive me, just as you have promised. There is now no condemnation. There is no more shame or guilt. My sin has been cast into a sea of forgetfulness, never to be remembered again. I believe. I will go and sin no more. I receive Your peace now, In Jesus Name. Thank you Lord Jesus. Amen
God has shown me the true essence of the fight for freedom: it is love. It is easy to stand back from afar and take on the issues of the day but it is a very different thing to stand in the trenches with those that are going through the struggle. I encourage you to stand beside a person that is hurting and struggling and be there to offer the hand, the help, the love. Stand with people contemplating major decisions in their life and provide the love needed to help them make it through. We are not to force our opinions on anyone. We are to love everyone. When we take on the mandate of love, it paints a picture of togetherness, strength and unity. How will you live LOVE out one day at a time, one person at a time, one prayer at a time? It is the walking out of righteousness that brings right thinking and right living. Love is an action word. The Bible says love fulfills the law (Romans 13:8-10). Love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 4:8). Love will make you do right by your neighbor (Mark 12:31). Love will make you do right even when no one is looking.
I will end by sharing the scriptures that show God’s love for life, for you, and for all of His creation. It starts with His thought translated as a lifetime in a book, that carries on in the womb and continues straight through to the grave. A God who never leaves us. A God who built us to get through and wants only the best for us. He has a great purpose for your life and no evil can prevail against you. Let love be your motivating factor. Let love be your guide. To God be the Glory. Amen
Scriptures:
Isaiah 49:1 I have inscribed you on the palms of My Hands.
Jeremiah 1:5 Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, and before you were born I consecrated you; I have appointed you a prophet to the nations.
Psalm 139:13-16 For You formed my inward parts; You wove me in my mother’s womb. I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, and my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the depths of the earth. Your eyes have seen my unformed substance; and in Your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them.
Exodus 20:13 You shall not murder.
Genesis 1:27 God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.
Isaiah 49:1 Listen to me, O Islands, and pay attention, you peoples from afar. The Lord called me from the womb; from the body of my mother He named me.
Job 10:8-12 Your Hands fashioned and made me altogether, and would You destroy me? Remember now, that You have made me as clay; and would You turn me into dust again? Did you not pour me out like milk and curdle me like cheese; clothe me with skin and flesh, and knit me together with bones and sinews? You have granted me life and lovingkindness; and Your care has preserved my spirit.
Job 31:15 Did He who made me in the womb make him, and the same one fashion us in the womb?
Deuteronomy 30:19 I call heaven and earth to witness against you today, that I have set before you life and death, the blessing and the curse. So choose life in order that you may live, you and your descendants.
Genesis 9:6 Whoever sheds man’s blood, by man his shall be shed, for in the image of God He made man.
Psalm 127:3 Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward.
Proverbs 6:16-19 There are six things the Lord hates, yes seven that are detestable to Him: haughty eyes (pride), a lying tongue, and he that sheds innocent blood, a heart that devises wicked schemes, feet that are quick to rush into evil, a false witness that pours out lies, and a person that stirs up conflict.
1 John 4:8 Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love.
John 3:16 For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whosoever believes in Him will not perish but have everlasting life.
Revelation 21:4 He will wipe away every tear from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain, for the former things have passed away.
By Gail Williams
See my testimony videos on YouTube @GailWoolWill
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